“You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not fart I’m telling you why…”

The slightly off key voice of my second born floated towards my sleeping self the other morning, and of course in classic style that she is now well known for, has replaced the lyrics of ‘Santa Clause is coming to town’ with her own, more logical words.

Well that’s my husband and son off the nice list this year.

The first time she did this wonderful word swapping was when she has just started talking and was an avid fan of ‘In the Night Garden’. One evening, our innocent few minutes of cuddly bizarre character prancing around the screen before bedtime was rudely interrupted by my sweet child yelling out in excitement “Look Mommy! It’s the Kinky Bonk!!”

What?

For anyone who hasn’t had the extreme pleasure of watching the slightly trippy sleep inducing programme no doubt created to make you pass out while keeping your child awake, there are some ~ odd ~ names for some of the things on the programme. The ‘Kinky Bonk’ was in fact the Ninky Nonk (not much better I know) which is really a green honking kids version of a zeppelin.

For the next few weeks following that I was on the constant look out for any toys that resembled the Ninky Nonk, as the last thing I felt like dealing with in a shop filled with children and their mothers was the apple of my eye screeching out the words KINKY BONK! for everyone to hear.

I digress.

This year Christmas has taken on a slightly different tone. Usually by November I already have lists, plans, menus… I’ve started looking for pyjamas, recipes and cards are standing by at the ready to send out. This year, everything is last minute and funny enough I’m not as stressed about that as I thought I would be. Although I did feel better when I had a list. With boxes to tick. And colour coordinated sections. I’m such a loser.

An elf also entered our house this year. Its been quite fun creating the Elf on the Shelf magic, with the sweet story and the hide and seek game, although I seem to have once again screwed up my mornings. Not only is child number 2 coming in early in the mornings to try and get the coveted middle spot of our bed right between the small of my back and my husbands testicles, but also she now has PURPOSE.

“We NEED to find my elf Mommy. WE NEED TO WAKE UP NOW AND GO FIND MY ELF!”

“No we don’t right now honey, look it’s dark and cold still and everyone else is sleeping. Sleeping so nicely. Look at them so quiet and sleeping. Why can’t you be quiet and sleeping..”

“But I NEED to find my elf!” She is nothing if not single minded. Purpose is a dangerous thing to give this child. She will not be moved.

I try a little more pointless arguing, and bribery, and an offer of snuggles, and even food to try sway the mind of my daughter. No. It does’t work. It never works. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I get up on autopilot, fumble about in the hallway trying to remember how to walk while being dragged by toddler, while desperately trying not to roll down the stairs because by all that is holy, we are NOW going to find the elf.

This elf has already taken up mine or my husbands evenings as we try to find a new, magical and happiness inducing places and poses for the little bundle of elf delight. Apparently my mornings are no longer sacred either. But as grumpy as I am at being dragged out of bed, it’s really rather lovely to see her little face when she discovers the elf’s latest hiding place or antics.

Plus in the new spirit of Christmas I’ve decided to embrace the greatest of elf traditions and I now have morning hot chocolate instead of morning coffee. It’s a little bit of naughtiness.

Well, better than a kinky bonk in any case 😉

HO HO HO.